Pandemic Thoughts [2020]

A poem of consciousness, 4:00am thoughts that wake me up out of my sleep.

All you will know is that I've grown up

I've said the things you're supposed to say

Set the boundaries, kept them intact

I've grown up and it's emotional

Stumbling and staggering towards whatever the fuck I'm told will turn into my purpose

Set all childish things aside to prepare for it

And I'll have you know that I've grown up and it's emotional

I set the timer for how long it would take me to cry

Gave myself 10 minutes extra to recoup once the tears dried up

I've let myself long for something more than once

What I long for constantly takes the form of something else

What I thought was certain turns out to be the most malleable thing

I've grown up and it's HARD

My dreams when manifested actually feel like I'm being programmed but at least I already know it

I get excited to see familiarity

I twisted in joy to actually see myself in something I imagined

Somehow my dreams are not the only road to my living but to my death

My nightmares intersect with my dreams and when they cross over

I forget which dream I should remember or which nightmare I should forget

I've grown up and it's not what I want

What I think to be brilliant someone else has already said, done, lived

And I no longer feel like a contributor

the dreams I want to see of myself are placed within the minds of others

They become my eyes and ears

A messenger from God if you will

And I feel ashamed that somewhere along the line I had become too grown to hear him for myself

My purpose refolded and restocked in me by someone else

As if I didn't or couldn't understand myself

I've grown up and can't remember being a child

I accepted power over me as something constant

It made me feel useful

Always in need to know

But a deeper teacher within me screaming to look at myself and see them

How could I when every time I saw myself I couldn't believe that I was here

I've grown up and I am terrified of my own reflection in the mirror

I have seen all of me

Every face

Every tear

Every yawn

Every wince

Everything

Sometimes I turn the light off and try to find my face in the darkness

I'm forced to only feel myself be here

I feel certain that I am not withering away

But becoming more of me that I cannot see when the light is on

I pray that I can't see others seeing me when it's dark

Let me be able to see myself first

Let me know what I know about myself first

I've grown up and the dark no longer scares me

The void no longer needs filling

I enjoy the empty growls that sometimes metastasizes to become a hole in my chest

I let it stay open

I let it stay spacious

So that when times get hard I can fold into myself

Almost like a fox in a den

I snuggle my nose into my arm and smell something new on the horizon

I feel like I am being born so many times throughout the day

What I once knew dies and what I came to know lives

A constant trade off

A perfect balance already existing in me

Sometimes the thing that comes to live eats me alive

A fear that I wish not to be reminded of

A truth that is planted deep in the soles of its feet

A doubt that a simple shaking of my head 'no' won't cure

My own little zombie munching on the fertilized ground of possibility in my mind

But I can't kill it

I mean after all I've grown up and realizes that it's only doing what it knows how to do

Feed itself from starving

Something I try to do often

I've grown up and I'm hungrier than ever

I've grown up and I no longer wish to starve as a punishment for not eating what others brought to the table.